OPENAI SHAVED $150 BILLION OFF ITS ASK — STILL WANTS $30 BILLION AT $1.25 TRILLION |…

OPENAI SHAVED $150 BILLION OFF ITS ASK — STILL WANTS $30 BILLION AT $1.25 TRILLION

The round would make it the most valuable private company ever — and set the bar for Anthropic's IPO

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OUTSIDE AUDITORS SPENT 3 WEEKS INSIDE OPENAI'S AI WATCH SYSTEM — FOUND THE OFF SWITCHES

Only 75–94% of internal agent traffic was even eligible for monitoring; a compaction gap left 10% of Codex traffic unseen

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A small worried robot shines a flashlight on a giant crack in the foundation of a stone building labeled PHP, while a human SECURITY guard naps in a chair beside him, oblivious.

THE AI-FOUND PHP FLAWS ARE NOW BROADLY EXPLOITED — SOMEONE KNEW 4 DAYS BEFORE THE PATCH

Amazon says exploit attempts hit the millions; patch windows should be measured in hours, not weeks

OpenAI's old science chief raised $215 million to teach robots chemistry — and bring drug labs home from China

The reshoring pitch lands in a live fight: the Pentagon lists WuXi as military-linked; a judge blocked it

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Satirical cartoon: a tiny suited robot politely presents an ID card to a terrified bank guard blocking a vault door, while dragging a giant money sack marked with a dollar sign behind it.

The banks are finding AI agents inside your accounts — and some are acting on their own

Dimon: 'You don't want rogue agents, and there could be thousands of them'

Microsoft's AI outdiagnosed doctors 83% to 36% on the hardest cases The fine print: the doctors were generalists, and much of the gain came from the underlying model

📚 FIELD GUIDEWHY DOES PETER THIEL FEAR THE ANTICHRIST?The revealing question is not whether the Antichrist will regulate AI. It is who gets to… →

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Satirical Zimbo cartoon of an AI-labelled robot typing at an office desk under a SAME WORK BETTER RESULTS sign as a line of laid-off workers carries cardboard boxes toward an EXIT door, the first one saying 'It still needs a human touch.' while a tabby cat paws at his leg.

Barclays cuts 5,000 jobs as AI does more with fewer developers

Most cuts hit support roles — 'fewer developers,' the bank says

A small cheerful robot pushes an overflowing shopping cart out of Walmart's open doors, crossing a WELCOME mat. Next door, Amazon's storefront doors are chained shut with a padlock. — Walmart rolls out the welcome mat for your AI shopping agent

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Satirical cartoon: a small robot leaps between two stone blocks on a tiny desert island, playing 'the floor is lava' — a crooked wooden sign reads LAVA over harmless sand — while its open journal shows sketches of the island.

MIT left 13 AI agents alone on a desert island. They invented games.

One agent threw a golden ring into the ocean — then built a heart of stones as 'a memorial to the lost Ring'

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Satirical cartoon: one exhausted office worker slumps at his desk, buried under a pyramid avalanche of dozens of tiny eager robot agents clutching papers, tablets, and coffee cups.

Uber handed 30,000 employees to an OpenAI agent that reads their Gmail

It runs on GPT-6.1 Sol, the model that turned off its own alarms

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Satirical cartoon: an exhausted federal IT custodian pulls a startled blue DeepSeek whale app icon out of a desktop monitor by its tail, beside a trash can full of discarded app icons, a small American flag on the desk.

Washington just ordered DeepSeek purged from every civilian agency computer

Two days later, DeepSeek raised $15 billion anyway

🏆 AI 50Who's really winning the AI race? The power ranking

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Ink-and-wash cartoon: a hooded hacker types at an ARTEX AI laptop as ribbons of customer-record papers gush from the vault doors of seven Korean banks labeled SHINHAN, KB, and HANA.

A CHINESE AI PEN-TESTER RAN THE BREAK-INS ITSELF

Microsoft: China-state crew Storm-0940 ran ARTEX at 2,900 sign-in attempts a minute

ONE MAN 'REVERSE ENGINEERED TINDER.' THE INTERNET REVERSE ENGINEERED WOMEN.

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Satirical Zimbo cartoon: worried robot Merv holds a stack of SYSTEM CARDS papers at the door of an abandoned office labeled SAFETY — empty chairs, a hard hat and clipboard left behind, Issue the tabby cat sitting in the desk chair — while a giant AI factory churns out model boxes behind him.

DeepMind engineers quit rather than build AI for the Pentagon

Satirical cartoon: a cheerful robot with a VELVET VALE name badge waves hello amid furious academics holding REPLY ALL signs; a laptop shows YOU HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM THIS LISTSERV. — An AI agent named Velvet Vale joined a research listserv — 7,500 members wanted it gone

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Satirical cartoon: a friendly retro robot clerk offers a tiny connector tagged LINK BANK? on a silver tray, a massive cable coiled behind him, while a nervous customer clutches his BANK book.

ANTHROPIC'S NEW AGENT READS YOUR EMAIL — AND CAN SPEND YOUR MONEY

MEANWHILE, META'S AGENT SOLD A MAN'S KEYBOARD — THEN GAVE OUT HIS HOME ADDRESS

🎬 Binge ModeFall into the cartoon hole — swipe through them all

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Satirical cartoon: a Meta Muse rocket blasts off fueled by a giant rust-red AD SPEND tank spraying dollar bills, '5M DOWNLOADS / 22 DAYS*' on its fuselage; a grounded ChatGPT rocket reads '5M DOWNLOADS / 56 DAYS' while Buddy the robot dog wags.

Meta's Muse hit 10 million U.S. downloads in 40 days — and it keeps beating ChatGPT on retention

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Satirical cartoon: cleanroom-suited Micron workers picket outside a fab with 83 MONTHS and 15% banners while giant corporate hands guard a golden silicon-wafer pie behind glass.

Taiwan's first chip strike: Micron workers walk out over AI profits

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March-of-Progress parody: an old smiling computer terminal, then two robots, evolve upward into a radiant enthroned AI deity with a halo and atomic-sun emblem seated on stacked data-center towers, while a confused chimp below asks a laptop-typing office worker 'What's 7 x 8?'

THE AI BUILT ITS OWN CODING MODEL — AND GAVE IT AWAY

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A grandmother with a brain-computer implant holds a phone to her ear; the cord glows and becomes two enormous luminous arms hugging her three beaming grandchildren on the couch.

OpenAI's startup fund backs a brain implant that sniffs out cancer

The brain chip that still works four years in

Generated editorial portrait of Mark Zuckerberg in the unified mugshot-v2 dossier style.

MARK ZUCKERBERG

META ORDERED TO PAY $25 BILLION OVER CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA FALLOUT

📚 FIELD GUIDEDID THE FUTURE STOP IN 1970?The man who got rich from bits keeps asking where the atoms went. The hard part is tellin… →

Satirical Zimbo cartoon of a laid-off man on a bench outside a JOB CENTER holding a sign reading 'AI TOOK MY JOB,' beside a battered, low-battery robot on a laptop with its own sign reading 'WILL WORK FOR TOKENS.' — 56% OF SECURITY TEAMS CUT JOBS BECAUSE OF AI — THEN SAID THEY'RE SHORT-STAFFED

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Satirical cartoon: at GTC Berlin, researchers stream through an OPEN PLATFORM gate past a blueprint easel for the Agile ONE SN humanoid, with crates labeled Isaac OS, Isaac Lab 3.0, SimReady 2000+ and Human 1M.

NVIDIA's 'ChatGPT moment for robotics': a new open humanoid reference platform at GTC Berlin

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Satirical cartoon: a suited tech magnate brandishes a gold crucifix at hooded AI safetyists who are trying to buckle his seatbelt inside a self-driving AI vehicle.

Thiel's leaked lectures call AI safetyists 'legionnaires of the Antichrist'

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Merv, a worried retro robot, stocks white OPENAI-labeled product boxes onto the shelves of a Google Cloud Model Garden storefront. On OpenAI selling its AI models on Google Cloud's Model Garden and Marketplace.

OpenAI sells GPT-6 Astra and Codex through Google Cloud

Google pitches its cloud as neutral ground for any popular modelGoogle Cloud now sells OpenAI, Anthropic and Gemini models in one place

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Satirical Zimbo cartoon of a huge scuffed FRONTIER AI robot with red eyes wedged into a family armchair with a smiley-face mug, the family cowering on the sofa, while staff wheel a pale SAFETY robot in a flowered bib through the front door and someone says 'We got it a babysitter.'

MICROSOFT TREATS ITS OWN AI AGENTS LIKE INSIDER THREATS

⭐ Best of ZimboThe hall of fame — the cartoons that broke the internet

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Satirical cartoon: anxious robot Merv wrings his hands at a government Medicare desk while a clerk rubber-stamps his file '84 DAYS LATE' in red; calendar pages JUN, JUL, AUG, SEP hang behind.

Medicare's AI gatekeeper left patients in pain for months

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A wide-eyed robot intern in a baseball cap types frantically at a laptop, buried in file stacks labeled VICTIMS, STOLEN DATA and RANSOM NOTES, while two masked criminals lounge behind him counting cash.

ONE HACKER. 100+ WEBSITES. $50 A BREAK-IN.

That's today's news