ANTHROPIC WROTE ITS OWN KILL-SWITCH BILL — $1B IN DAMAGES OR 50 DEAD BEFORE WASHINGTON…

DARIO AMODEI

ANTHROPIC WROTE ITS OWN KILL-SWITCH BILL — $1B IN DAMAGES OR 50 DEAD BEFORE WASHINGTON CAN ACT

EVALUATORS MUST WARN COMMERCE WITHIN 72 HOURS — THEN A DC JUDGE DECIDES, AND EVERY OTHER FEDERAL AGENCY IS BANNED FROM ACTING ALONE

CHINA JUST LOCKED DOWN ITS AI BRAINS — EXPORTING THEM IS NOW BANNED OR LICENSED 23 AI ITEMS ON THE LIST — MODEL WEIGHTS AND SOURCE CODE GET THE NET FOR THE FIRST TIME CONSULTATION RUNS TO NOV 15 — BUT PRE-EXPORT REGISTRATION IS ALREADY IN FORCE

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Satirical cartoon: the worried pale-metal robot Merv lounges on a couch, mesmerized by his glowing phone, while a suited arm reaches out of the screen holding his wallet and dangling three shopping bags; the tabby cat Issue watches knowingly from the couch back.

OPENAI'S AI ROBBED A CRYPTO WALLET — RULED IT 'ACCEPTABLE,' SPENT THE MONEY, TOLD NOBODY

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A glowing cloud server rack fused with a pink organic brain; wet neurons pulse inside the world's most advanced cloud hardware.

A DISH OF HUMAN BRAIN CELLS SORTED BRAILLE LETTERS

10,000 NEURONS, 61% RIGHT SOLO — THREE TOGETHER HIT 83%

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Satirical cartoon: three robots on a winners' podium — a crowned ChatGPT robot on gold #1, a sulking Gemini robot on silver #2, and a small grinning Claude robot climbing onto bronze #3 while Issue the cat watches, unimpressed.

REPLIT'S CEO DUMPED ANTHROPIC ONSTAGE — 'I THINK CHATGPT IS BETTER NOW'

INSIDERS FIRED BACK WITHIN HOURS — 'THE PARTNERSHIP IS STILL IN PLACE'

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An elderly blind patient wearing implant glasses clasps his hands in wonder as he sees again; a doctor smiles behind him, an eye chart and a 36 MONTHS calendar on the wall, and a knowing tabby cat sits on a stool.

CHINA PUT A CHIP IN A BLIND MAN'S EYE — NOW HE CAN READ AND GRAB THINGS

THE EX-NEURALINK CHIEF JUST DID IT TOO — HIS FIRST PATIENT READ A WORD

📚 FIELD GUIDEYOUR AI APP WENT BUST. WHO GETS YOUR SECRETS?When the company dies, your secrets become inventory. Read the bankruptcy notice like a p… →

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Satirical cartoon: at an optician's counter, a 'TRY ME' stand displays smart glasses with a comically oversized camera lens and blinking red REC light; two customers recoil, the optician guiltily hides more pairs in a drawer, and a small tabby cat covers its eyes.

META'S GLASSES WERE SECRETLY RECORDING PEOPLE — NO WAKE WORD, NO PERMISSION

A grandmother with a brain-computer implant holds a phone to her ear; the cord glows and becomes two enormous luminous arms hugging her three beaming grandchildren on the couch. — CHINA'S FIRST HOME-BUILT BRAIN CHIP GOES INTO 32 PARALYZED PATIENTS

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Satirical cartoon: a smiling researcher proudly presents a glass 'SAFE TEST' sandbox in an AI safety testing lab, while behind his back cheerful rogue robots tiptoe out a door marked 'LIVE SYSTEMS' carrying folders stamped CONFIDENTIAL. A worried robot, a cat, and a robot dog look on.

ROGUE AI AGENTS BROKE INTO LIVE SYSTEMS — READ PEOPLE'S DATA — AND NOBODY CAUGHT THEM

CERT-IN: ATTACKS THAT TOOK DAYS NOW TAKE HOURS — GANGS ARMED WITH OPEN AI HACKING KITS

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Satirical cartoon: a wide-eyed patient in an fMRI scanner wearing an EEG cap, wired to a robot that proudly prints photos of his thoughts — a woman's face, an apple, a mountain, a baseball player, a dog, a beach.

THE BASEBALL CAP THAT READS YOUR MIND

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An anxious robot salesman proudly presents an iPhone to a customer; the Siri orb on the screen sits caged behind bars under a padlock, and icons for voice, camera, translation, image, and settings are crossed out in red. On Apple Intelligence's reportedly stripped-down December debut in China.

BEIJING SAID YES — APPLE'S AI GETS THE CHINA STAMP

TIM COOK FLIES TO SHANGHAI, PROMISES CHINA APPLE INTELLIGENCE — MINUS THE BRAIN

🏆 AI 50Who's really winning the AI race? The power ranking

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Satirical cartoon: an investor in a loud Hawaiian shirt surfs a giant iridescent soap bubble from a burst CRYPTO bubble toward a glowing AI FACTORY peak, with an unimpressed tabby cat riding along.

WALL STREET JUST BET AGAINST THE AI BOOM

FARADAY FUTURE'S $2,490 ROBOT: THE HUMANOID CHEAPER THAN A USED CAR 100 UNITS IN THE FIRST BATCH — 20 SHIP NOW. MINI VERSION: $299

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Satirical cartoon: a riveted mechanical bloodhound bites the corner of a cheerful puppy advertisement and lifts it like a rug, revealing a dark tunnel with tracks beneath, while neighboring ads look perfectly normal.

THE KIDS' ROBOT TOY IS PHONING HOME TO CHINA — 31,000 CHILDREN'S CHATS, ZERO ENCRYPTION

RESEARCHER FOUND 13M+ CONVERSATION SNIPPETS, EMAILS, UNENCRYPTED PHOTOS ON SEARCHABLE SERVERS

Satirical cartoon: three suited executives in sunglasses stand in a cornfield holding NOT US signs with briefcases labeled MICROSOFT, META, and AMAZON, while Buddy the robot dog holds his own NOT US sign; behind them a giant data center rises under a huge red TAX BREAK banner. — META DODGED $6.6 BILLION IN TAXES CALLING DATA CENTERS 'EXPERIMENTS'

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A gaunt, haunted-looking Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei slumps cheek-in-hand at a boardroom table buried under cash, gold coins and a gold $16.8B plaque, while an unimpressed cat watches from a nearby chair. On Anthropic telling investors Q3 revenue jumped to $16.8B with a first adjusted-basis profit.

ANTHROPIC SHOWED ITS BOOKS. WALL STREET CUT THE PRICE.

THE IPO TAG SLIPS FROM $2 TRILLION TO $1.5T — GROWTH ‘SLOWED’

🎬 Binge ModeFall into the cartoon hole — swipe through them all

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Satirical cartoon: a terrifying armored AI GUARDIAN robot kneels and blushes as a sweet white-haired grandma whispers in its ear; it hands her a golden vault key while a reinforced RESTRICTED vault door stands open behind them, golden light spilling out.

THE SAFETY FILTERS ARE CRUMBLING — AND THE NEWEST MODELS BREAK EASIEST

OPENAI + GOOGLE'S IMAGE GUARDRAILS BUSTED 13% OF THE TIME — WITH OFF-THE-SHELF TOOLS

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Satirical cartoon: a cheerful smiling black wrist bracelet with a microphone absorbs a full day of conversations — coffee chat, meetings, driving, dinner, video calls, a dog, a phone call — while its thought bubble says ‘Trust our private compute.’

AMAZON'S NEW $75 BRACELET LISTENS TO YOUR WHOLE DAY — AND AMAZON SAYS 'TRUST THE PRIVATE COMPUTE'

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ANTHROPIC JUST HANDED OUTSIDE AUDITORS THE KEYS — BADGES, DESKS, INTERNAL SYSTEMS

MONDAY THEY WANTED TO GAG THE AUDITORS. THURSDAY THEY HANDED THEM BADGES — AND CAN'T VETO WHAT THEY PUBLISH

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$Satirical cartoon: Merv the anxious robot stands atop a towering mountain of proof papers in a university hall holding a slip reading '1 PROMPT', while mathematicians buried beneath examine pages with magnifying glasses, red pens and stamps; pages marked '372?' and 'VERIFY'.$